I read “barreling towards a single unified personality”. In my efforts to be “myself” and “different” without a care actually just makes me feel out of place and unwanted. How do I maneuver or tangle myself out of this single and unified sameness that is pushed on us. The walls seem to be coming in or caving in. I’m trying to push the walls as they squeeze me in a single file line with others.
I work in an office world where emails are all boxy and professional. When I start to push my own personality or lingo it becomes “not the type of email for everyone”. I guess “penciling you in” and “you da best” is not appropriate for “everyone”. Who is everyone ? Every one is seems to be everyone.
Social media, the Tik tok bullshit, and so much more is pushing sameness. Even with our individually curated algorithms I feel that we are being funneled into sameness. A uniform. When I take a break from social media or I’m being present with my people and don’t know what is going on, I must explain with “I live under a rock sometimes”. I must say being under said rock is dark and peaceful. I need balance.
When I begin to post unedited pictures and finished meals rather than fresh out the kitchen not only is my aesthetic subpar, my aesthetic is unappealing. It’s like I need a theme to my life. I guess we are all put into categories. We have our interests. I think the human mind likes to just organize stuff that way. The thing is my aesthetic is appealing to me. It will probably change in a few months because I am like clay and I am malleable. I must evolve. I post for me. I write for me. I do me. Somehow I’ve lost it along the path.
This last year I have felt unnerved and jittery. The walls have been coming in way too close for comfort. I found a hammer and I’m beginning to make a hole. I see the light. It’s the warm sun and the itchy grass. It’s a post about how sad and lonely I actually am. It’s me crying during yoga because the repeated mantra “I love myself. I believe in myself. I am myself” squeezed my heart. It’s going to different churches to find my spirit. It’s moving far away enough from what I have known to look more objectively. It’s also the microdose of mushrooms that literally brought my true self closer to me. She’s hiding under that rock, but she will come out when she wants.
Most of all it’s maneuvering in my relationships. I am to push my social conditioning. I am to shed away the social expectations of me as a girlfriend and as Fave as an individual. It’s unlearning. I am to question cultural expectations in my workplace. I am to pretend or simply accept that I am or not being judged for the way I choose to do things. I am to understand that I am....
I don’t like working nine to fives. I can’t be a work commuter. I hate the cold. I do not want to be told I can’t wear my nose ring to work because it’s unprofessional and because it’s not a uniform look. I am 27 for goodness sake. I don’t want to cover my tattoos. I am more comfortable in a workspace where I can flow in and out of Spanish and English. I am more comfortable in groups of three unless you’re favian or my best friend.
I am sorry, but I can not continue to live this life in closing walls. I am not sorry that I can’t fit your expectations of Paula Sanchez. It’s going to take time, extreme patience, and grace to get there. The thing I know though are: I love myself. I believe in myself. I am myself.
Freedom is the absence of everything.
Paula, meet Salomé: https://spiritualsoap.substack.com/p/for-when-youre-sick-with-everything