I FEEL LOUD IN MY HEAD. MY THOUGHTS ARE SCREAMING, BUT IN THE MOST POSITIVE WAY. As in I need to get the juices from my head and pour them right over my paper. As in you have to kind of have to read this as if you're shouting. As in I have so many writing ideas and I need to release them to the wild. I need to release them now or hell may break loose. It is just a feeling of pent up jazz hands. I am not using the most descriptive words, but I am getting there. This is like the warm up of something super good. It is so good I can't believe I didn't start this five hours ago. I kind of feel neurotic too, and the thoughts I have fall between frightening and delightful. As if I took shrooms and my imagination is running rampant, but I am merely caffeinated.
I have realized my vocabulary has gotten significantly better and I attribute that to my recent reading trend. I mean reading a lot. I have transformed the time spent on social media to a reading frenzy. I have been reading a whole bunch of romance and fantasy and it just gets me going. Yes, it gets me going in all the ways you can imagine Whatever. It is just how I roll. I've been dipping my toes into the substack of personal essays and the blog posts and the twitter shenanigans we all know are just shouts into the void. The shouts we could never actually say in real life because someone might actually think you're crazy.
I believe that we are all holding a lot inside. We are all being contained by our own selves. We're all waiting to burst at the fucking seams. I truly believe we have some nasty things going in our head. Nasty is such an ugly word. It is a little tainted so maybe something else. We have a bird trying to fly in our tiny little heads. It's waiting for the day it can burst its wings and fly right out of your mouth. It will be painful. I can tell you that. It's going to fit into the tight little spaces you have made in your brain. It has to walk like a chicken and waddle like a penguin before it figures out it had had wings all along. Then another couple days before it finds out it can actually fuckin fly. The f words may be unnecessary, but really add the emphasis on “Bird Shit Crazy”. Or “Bat Shit Crazy”? I think you get the point.
Anyway there's so much to do today and limited time and limited attention. Something you will learn in this current generation. I am being pulled in a million different directions. I don't think it is anyone's fault. It's hard to focus in a world where slowing down is a somewhat holistic trend rather than what's wrong with this side of the world. Slowing down is absolutely necessary. The idea of slowing down, being aware of your own body, and just looking inward is way beyond mine and your time. You have to know that. Maybe you don't and clearly you have lots of work to do.
This blog post is sort of all over the place and the first time I am writing for the sake of writing. I hate that I feel that I have to preface what I am about to say so that you have some brief understanding of how my mind sometimes runs. Although it feels like I have been self contained or living under a rock for far too long. I hope you find this a little silly and a little dark, but in the most passive way. As in my humor falls a lot closer to dark than dry despite me being a romantic. I say romantic as in a hopeful romantic nut who actually boxed oneself in a hopeless romantic box. There is no way to love the way we think it actually exists in movies and in books. This is my cynical side you see, but after many relationships later it is hard to write your love life as a romance novel or movie or indie song. I am sure it exists for someone, but are they being real? The world will never know. This is another thing too. The world may never know.
This is why it is even more unrealistic for you to think you understand who I am by my monthly photo dump or my occasional retweets to candid shots of my boyfriend looking way into the distance, but in reality he just hates pictures. Also, it might be hard for one to understand why my boyfriend chooses not to post about me. While I am like “Look it's my boyfriend everybody!” and he is the complete opposite, but that's none of your business. We live a very quiet life in our studio apartment in Long Beach, California. It is small and sort of cagey, but also affordable and exists in a walkable area. We all need walkable areas. I am big on walking instead of driving. This is why I am going to live in New York for a bit. Another reason is I am a hopeless romantic and I still believe that NYC is somewhat my old lover and it is asking me to lay in bed with him. He has been asking me for years.
NYC is also the place where romanticism dies. DEAD. The hopeful romantic kind of romance. The way we have romanticized NYC is kind of funny. I am not a New Yorker and I do not wish to offend New Yorkers, but it is really all a scam. I have been there a handful of times and the scaminess of it kind of makes me want to go and live there. It is not only that, but it holds more than we all actually know. It holds on tightly to cynicism, realism, and optimism. All the things we did not think could exist in one single place.
The optimistic side of me is really feeling all the possibilities that NYC offers. I can walk anywhere. I can eat anywhere. One of the best public transportation systems I have been able to experience, right next to Chicago's public transportation which is hand down aesthetically pleasing. If you have lived in Orange County as long as I have and spent a good amount of years in Los Angeles County, you kind of know that you have no choice but to drive. Not only to drive, but to drive for hours per week just to get anywhere. My ass is fat and it is tired. My feet were made to move one in front of another and not on some pogo stick business. Get me? NYC walks with you, man. OC and LA do not wait for anyone. They sit there. They are far too vast and being pulled in different directions to ever consider slowing down. As I see it, NYC ebbs and flows. It is shouting and quiet whispers. It is finding silence and peace in the hustle of the city. If you can learn to slow down and find peace in NYC, then you can truly do anything. Isn’t that the NYC state of mind?